Sitting here contemplating the worries of the world, my brow creased deep in thought.
Older and wiser, thoughts of my youth fill the space in my brain.
Could I have done things differently? What would the outcome have been? Would I choose the least difficult path to wander and fewer obstacles along the way?
Who is this person I have become. I am more fortunate for my experiences in this life.
The road filled with rocks, weeds and overgrown brush. Wasn’t always that easy to overcome,
But I am much better for it.
My heart fills with gratitude and gives me pause to know I survived.
The past crept up behind me and landed on my shoulder,
a heavy weight like a huge iceberg too big to lift. Its heaviness has me mired down
and I keep sinking in this mud that makes my feet feel glued to the earth crushing my feet.
When I saw you I froze; my first feeling was complete fear;
fear washed over me from the top of my head, to the bottom
of my feet. That feeling of dread ran through me, like I was
attached to an electrical current and couldn’t let go
Beads of sweat formed on my forehead like droplets of rain,
and my heart flipped, pounding in my chest, like a cadence of drum beats
announcing my doom. The memories of the brutality
Of our union stopped me where I stood.
Conflicted and confused… like the fog blinding me to see.
The sight of you sickens me and at the same time I was distracted by your face.
My emotions are a jumble of letters that don’t make sense, unable
to form them into words to make a sentence
Part of me is warmed like hot chocolate on a cold winter day at the memories
of good days snuggled tightly, secure in what we had. The rest of me is sweating and iced with
terror of the pure hate behind your cold dark heart
Conflicted and confused… like the fog that is blinding me to see.
When she first told me she was sick with terminal cancer, I was floored. How can this be? It took my breath away. I had no idea what to say. I couldn’t put two words together to form a sentence to respond. The thought of this wonderful human being who had become my friend was sick and nothing I did could change that fact.
I thought back to our first meeting. We had met on a message board several years earlier. We were both Michael Jackson fans and I was talking about this wild dream I had about elephants on a plane. It was funny, but the dream had sort of stuck with me and I wanted someone to help me figure out if the dream held any meaning. I was reading some of the posts on the board, and there it was. She had answered my post. Just one line: “sometimes dreams have other meanings”. Imagine all these 100’s of posts and I caught hers. I had logged out and not responded that day, but went looking for her probably two days later, and when she responded, we exchanged emails. She spent a lot of time over the next few months helping me look at my dreams in a different way. From here, we forged a friendship. As we learned about each other and our families, we just continued to talk, not only through emails and chat, but through phone calls and sometimes the mail. She sent me this beautiful book about Michael that I cherish greatly.
Karen was an animal lover and raised llamas. What an interesting and unique thing I learned about her. She called them her boys. She sent me pictures of her “babies”. She loved to garden and store away foods. She loved Nature. One of her online personas was “Nature Dancing”.
She was one of a kind. Imagine having a friend who rarely got upset about anything. How often do you have a friend, who listens, offers a listening ear, and is always willing to talk, no matter the time. I cried to her so many times I can’t even count. I remember when I got laid off how upset I was and she was right there. Now, mind you, we never met face to face, but only online friends. It didn’t matter, we were friends, forged together by grief and love of one of our favorite artist. We spent a lot of time talking about Michael, our own kids and grandkids, whatever subject we wanted to discuss.
I was off work for 11 months and after I went back to work, I wasn’t able to spend as much time chatting every day. Our chats weren’t as long and became farther apart. I missed our daily interactions, but we were still close. I remember a time that actually came to me a few days ago that I had written her phone number down in a book and it was near a phone number my husband needed regarding his 401k plan. He kept calling her instead of the 401k. She kept saying “you have the wrong number.” He said that he wasn’t sure why they kept saying that. I asked to see what number he was calling. It dawned on me it was her number. So I called her. She said to tell him “I already spent the money.” That was so like her.
This past Saturday, Karen passed away from her long battle with cancer. She had told me early on that the doctors didn’t give her “you have this much time.” I know from what she told me, that she was going to enjoy her life until whatever happens does. She meant it. I loved her and I still do. She brought much joy into my life and helped me to see things I wasn’t able to. I cherish every single moment of her life she shared with me. Thank you so much, Nature for sharing your life and family with me. I will miss you forever. I know if I need you, I can always reach out and talk to you and you will always be there. Love always ..
Take flight, eagle, over the mountains
Spread your wings and fly as the wind
lifts you high and carries
TigerLilly (she knows what this means)
Stretching her rays outward as she rises, her smile brightens to greet the morning, casting rays to light the world….