Out of the Darkness

Thinking back through 2011 up through the beginning of 2012, a lot has changed in my daily routine. usually when I write, they are done through poetry. Today I felt like writing it out.

I put some of my thoughts in a previous post once before, but never truly went in depth how deep those feelings were. The only person I shared those feelings with was my husband. I did so, because one thing I learned through recovery is that we are only as sick as our deepest thoughts. By keeping all my fears and frustrations bottled up, I was allowing my hurt to only deepen, and he needed to know how I felt inside. Not only for the sake of our relationship, but I needed to heal from the pain of feeling so much despair.

Last March, I had been laid off from my job and at the time, I wasn’t so distraught because I had seen the writing on the wall. I wasn’t happy and felt a change of pace had been needed for months. Not because I hated my job, but I wasn’t doing what I wanted to be doing. There are times in our lives when it’s just time to make that move grow past where we are. Sometimes I think we just don’t know how to take that first step. I think the hardest part of all of this was the financial end of it because we weren’t prepared for how it would affect us. It was workable, but it did take a big chunk of our income. We knew that I would need to return to work as soon as possible.

When going through changes such as a job loss, it changes you in many ways. It forces you to take a long hard look   at yourself from many perspectives. Sometimes we tend to just say, “Well, I will just take a job, because I need the money.”  I had been down that road so many times, and this time, I just didn’t want to make that mistake again. That is what happened to me this last time. I knew what field I wanted to work in and I was determined to make that work for me. I just didn’t know how to get my foot planted in that door. I was in the dark and I was dealing with so much more than just job hunting. I was dealing with working on myself in the process. Rejection. Sometimes we forget that when we lose a job, we are dealing with the pain of that loss, and we toss those feelings to the back of our mind as if it doesn’t really matter. It matters. The pain is real. We ask ourselves what was wrong with us and why was it me that was let go. I had push these thoughts so far back into my mind while job hunting that I forgot to let myself feel the pain of the loss and the hurt. So, each time I went out on job interviews and was “rejected” the pain would surface until one day, I just broke down. Compounding all my pain was the job market and hundreds of people competing for jobs in 2011. It wasn’t that it was my fault. There were many candidates in an unstable economy that made it twice as hard to find a job. The news kept saying that the average length of time people were off work was about one year to 18 months.

When I finally shared my pain with my husband, he had no idea that I was dealing with all these emotions. He would come home to a smiling wife with dinner on the table every night. I was taking care of the bills, and keeping things done. Inside I was dying, feeling rejecting and getting worse by the day. It took me to finally let him know the truth about what was really going on, to let him in and allow him to comfort me. My husband and I are actually very close. Why I chose not to share this with him, I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to burden him with my pain. Although, sharing it with him, made me realize that I didn’t have to deal with it alone.

By late 2011, I was still searching and starting to not feel so burdened, but the pain was still there. My husband encouraged me to let myself feel what I was feeling. He listened to me unburden myself daily. Around the middle of November, we were invited to church by a co-worker. I decided to go. It gave me an outlet. It worked for me. Also, my husband encouraged me to relax and allow myself to heal from the pain of losing my job. One thing that was important was that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be any good for my next job if I didn’t work through those issues.  I knew that I wanted to work in a specific field, but I didn’t want to carry any baggage with me either. It did make it harder to find work in this field, but I also applied for other jobs as well ( I knew the bills had to be paid).

When December came, I finally got the call for the job I had been waiting on. I had been on several interviews. I just knew this was the one. When I was called back for a second interview, I was ready. Two days before the New Year, I began my new job in the field that I wanted, without carrying any baggage.

Through those nine months, I got an opportunity to heal from the pain of loss. Pulled from one of the darkest places of feeling rejected and unwanted. It forced me to take a look at myself and see what I could do to make changes in my life and where I was headed. I go to work daily with a lot of gratitude knowing that I have no fear of being in the dark recesses of my mind.

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3 thoughts on “Out of the Darkness

  1. Thank you for sharing your story – it brought tears in my eyes! I’ve had my share of financial troubles over the years, for several years, and they do leave a mark behind. It isn’t easy to heal from it but I work on it everyday.

    Focusing on the now is the best thing to do!

    • Thank you. It’s not easy sometimes to share something so personal, but you never know what words may help someone else. I just needed to say what was in my heart. I do my best to stay in today these days. It’s made me a better me.

      • I know the feeling, you’re very vulnerable especially when sharing such thoughts and feelings. I share mine whenever I think it may help someone or it will be a good example of a situation. It’s definitely easy though!

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