The Committee

I am probably the only person who reads this (well my committee and me) so that gives me the freedom to write whatever I want. I didn’t want to just post poetry because I am more than just that. I wanted to write all those crazy thoughts in my head. Well, not all of them, cause let’s face it, if I did that, someone would actually probably read this and then have me committed. Isn’t that like the law of physics, or Newton or someone like that who was really smart or something ( see I am rambling). Doesn’t matter, it’s just me and my crazy thoughts anyway.

Anyway, before I continue to ramble, I thought I would introduce The Committee. Some may understand what that means and some may not. Let me back up for a second, and I promise I won’t get off track (too much).  It’s always important to try to meditate to clear the thoughts and have a blank canvas to help clear the thoughts, you know have a starting point. Well, that is so much easier said that done. It takes practice. There is deep breathing, relaxing, closing your eyes, getting prepared. Needless to say, most of the time I end up falling asleep. Better yet, my mind wanders off and I end up preparing my grocery list or paying bills in my head. Sometimes, “The Committee” takes over. I end up somewhere far off playing out some scene in my head and forget that I was supposed to be meditating and then my stress level is just, well through the roof and. well, I can save that story for another day.

So, today, I thought I should introduce you to The Committee. My Committee is made up of  some dear old friends who like to tell me what I should have done, could have done wished I had done, and so forth and so on. They live in my head and they plan my life for me day in and out.  They never shut up.  They sometimes don’t let me sleep, keep me up all night, wake me up at odd hours to remind me of what I was supposed to do, didn’t do, need to do, should not have done; you get what I mean. I am not sure sometimes why I keep them around.

First, I thought you should meet  Should Have Done. I am sure most of you are familiar with this. Should have done is the ring leader and never misses an opportunity to let me know. I hear this constantly. Oh, SHD never calls me by my name, it just YOU Should Have Done… and what it was. If I forgot to pick up something or if I didn’t tell someone the right thing. No matter what it is,  SHD lives in my head all day. It is never-ending.

Now, SHD is followed closely by a relative “Could Have Done” who I am going to assume took lessons from SHD because it’s like a broken record with the two of them. It’s You should have done and You Could have done.

Sometimes they bring a friend named “Why Didn’t You”.  This is one who ask me questions that, well, it’s my life and why is my life asking me questions?  I thought I was in control?  Really?  Why didn’t you do it this way?  Why did you let her walk all over you? Why didn’t you tell her to shove it?

There have been times when The Committee will wake me up and I hear ” I wish you had not done that.”  OK, this could not have waited? I mean, it’s like 2am. Just a few more hours. I actually was only asleep for ten minutes ( I just convinced The Committee to let me sleep), and this couldn’t wait a couple of hours?

I like to call the voices in my head The Committee because its better than the alternatives. Trying to stay focused can be hard when life shows up. When I have ten minutes to sit down and meditate, I have a difficult time to do that.

The Committee is less likely to wake me up at 2am today than they were five years ago.  They are still there. I am learning to meditate and calm my mind. Writing is an outlet for me and not allowing things to bother me the way they used to helps too.  There are still times that The Committee goes with me everywhere I go. Take for instance, once (this was many, many years back when I first learned of their existence), I was waiting for an elevator and having a really bad day.  Needless to say,  Should Have, and Could Have were having a field day running rampant in my head and just giving me the blues. So, at precisely the moment the elevator door opened was the moment I picked to say out loud, “y’all are not going to worry me today!”  I was standing alone on the outside of the door and this gentleman steps out and looks around, then he looks at me.  I just smiled and said, “Hello, sir, nice day.”  I proceeded onto the elevator and let the door closed. See,  problem solved.  Do I have the power to quiet The Committee? Well, yeah!

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